It was January 5th 2006 that I first joined the world of blogging with Tales of a Bi”MWM”. I am two years older but a lifetime away as I start this new Blog – a marriage in tatters, bi being a technical label that I am not sure I can claim and more significantly not sure I would choose to. It has been a while since I wrote so it may be a bit before I get my sea legs back, before I set the stage. I look back and my last post was November 30th and before that October 14th. It has been a busy time and one of great change. A few weeks ago I killed some time writing in my scrawl on a note pad – tonight I found the note and it is the place to start:
My therapy is rounding the final bend. (Tomorrow will likely be my final session with Bob.) It has been over a year – far and away my longest stretch and the first time that the therapist will sound the final bell as opposed to my typical declaration of graduating, of being cured. Bob asks what my final goals are and I am unsure, this is unfamiliar territory. He prods me: Learning to accept happiness. We explore this for this happiness is new and it has come at a steep price. It is hard to let go, to free fall while a wife is crying, while the wounds are so raw.
I share this news with Carrie and she is bemused. She thinks me quite adept at happiness, an accomplished narcissist on a mission for carnal pleasure, a mission that has succeeded in her eyes. I consider this for there is a measure of truth. But the measure of truth pales next to the reality. The word happiness is really a misnomer in all of this. Sure I am happy in many ways but I realize I have forgotten what Michelle Shocked rambled about in her concert last May: It is not about happiness, it is about authenticity. And only with authenticity, one can enjoy the by product of happiness.
The better word that comes to mind is comfort – comfort with who I am, comfort with what I am: simply put, a fifty three year old gay man. I can finally say it – no modifiers, no shame. Self acceptance has been a long time coming – self acceptance of myself and self acceptance that there is no road back. Self acceptance of my desires, both the carnal (yes, I am enjoying the ride) and the casual. Self acceptance of the hardest truth of all – if offered the road back, I would not take it and if offered the “straight pill” I would swap it for a Viagra. Its funny how I am writing this tonight and as I read the notes from weeks ago, I realize that even in this short term there has been change. That evening I wrote of going back: “Not that I would not be tempted, sorely tempted…” I am no longer tempted. Four decades of denial is a feat, not one to be proud of, and my new life is finally falling into place.
There are stories of the last months, of the last weeks, stories of all types. They are a coming now that the basics are stated.
God, I missed the writing.
About Me
- Nate
- I'm a middle aged man - separated and finally accepting, and yes, even embracing, being gay. My alter-ego Bibydays started this blog as a bisexual married man. One day I realized that Bibydays was just not an accurate description in so so many ways: Nate was born. Turns out there is much more to issues of my orientation than I ever realized. My world at work while not closeted is still not truly open but my family and friends stand with me in the sunlight. This place, once my refuge, now becomes a place where I can come to write when I have something to say.
5 comments:
Congratulations on this new direction. Keep writing, and we'll keep reading.
Nate,
Poignant, insightful, and full of the raw emotions of the moment. It's good to have you back
HakaN:
Welcome back.
Some things change, but not all. Some change so much as to make your head spin; others change so little it is equally unsettling.
"Happiness" is a good place to be.
T@C
Glad to have you back. I do know how much you liked the process of blogging and I like the fresh start. Very interested to read the next volume, especially since the new stories you have to share are so enticing.
But on the subject of happiness... I ran across this today on a friend's blog. Kind of timely
"Happiness is a profound sense of well-being, which includes both being connected with ourselves and the world. That's different from pleasure. Pleasure comes and goes. You can have a good meal and it's great -- but then it's over. Pain and difficulties also will come and go. Happiness -- true happiness -- is a quality of well-being in the midst of pleasure and pain and gain and loss...
Happiness isn't about getting something in the future. Happiness is the capacity to open the heart and eyes and spirit and be where we are and find happiness in the midst of it. Even in the place of difficulty, there is a kind of happiness that comes if we've been compassionate, that can help us through it. So it's different than pleasure, and it's different than chasing after something."
-Jack Kornfield
damn dude so glad your back at the keyboard.....missed ya
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