Pop Quiz

In my mind there is real confusion as to who “knows” and who does not at work. There is one woman who spends much of her time in another office but is still part of my “hood”. She is divorced and over the years she has turned to me for perspective – I have seen both sides of matters of divorce and children, issues which impact her. I always planned to come out to her, but by now she may very well know.

It is a Friday afternoon, the tail end of a long tax season. Carole sticks her head in to say good night; it being the end of my day also, I volunteer to walk out with her. I point out that I have to be at the railroad at 6:04 to pick up my friend. Her head cocks towards me, a smile brightens her face and she asks: “A friend – normally I don’t ask but…” And it is fair – our relationship warrants the question, and it is clear – she does not know. There is not much time to think, an answer, any answer is required.

I look at her and say “I guess you are out of the loop. I am gay, I’m meeting my boyfriend.” I briefly note that I don’t talk about it in general but some have figured it out without my assistance. She does not really register a reaction – no approval, no approbation. It is a quick walk to our cars. We wish each other a nice weekend. We drive off.

I feel bad in a sense – it is a lot to just drop out of the blue, it was such a fair and innocent question. But what other answer was there – I know of her dating, her boyfriend. The only other answer that comes to mind would be to lie and I just don’t do lies. Maybe there is something to be said for overtly coming out, letting people know (at least the ones that matter) where I stand. Then they can ask and I can answer or they can choose to maintain their silence and therefore allow for mine. Fifteen years later we know – or at least I believe – that don’t ask, don’t tell failed the military and I suspect it will over time also fail me.

This episode has solidified one thing – next week as long planned, I will cross paths with the senior partner. I will come out to him because as I keep learning, people will figure it out or put me in a position of telling them, neither of which is pro-active. And as James Baldwin said, “they don’t tell me, I tell them.”

There is an epilogue of sorts. The next day I sent Carole an e-mail, an apology for the way the conversation went, for dropping a bomb: no apologies for the content. And she responded that she too felt bad for having put me on the spot. She wishes me well, as good a result as could be hoped for. But still everything I have said still stands.