A Rose...

I have long struggled with my name in this world and as I start this new blog the struggle continues. Nate, as you may have surmised is not my given name. That honor goes to “Harvey”. As I have blogged the excuse has been simple: if my name was common – a Bob, a Mike, it would be easy. But how many Harvey’s are there? Well, more than a few.

But as I thought about it today, I realized that it is much more complicated. My birth certificate has a blank where normally there would be a name, a first name. On the back is a rubber stamp dated over a week after my birth with my name – first and middle – written in. I know why this is even though it was never discussed – I can see the whole scene. My Dad was the dominant one, my Mom meek at best and invisible most of my childhood. My Dad loved his Dad, a man who died before I saw this earth. Actually all of my granddad’s kids worshipped him, to the bizarre degree that of the six children who preceded me, three had variants on his name, one being my sister.

So I can see that moment when the son, the prodigal desired son was born and my Dad announced my name – Nathan. And I can see my Mom in a rare uprising saying: Was not our last born enough, was not one each of your siblings children enough. A stalemate surely ensued, a blank line on an official form, a blank line that will never change.

A week – joy over the son tempered with the name debate and at the end Nathan was there but in the second slot, sort of like accepting the Vice Presidential spot in this political season. Harvey it was, homage to my maternal side, albeit in a round about fashion. I must confess to never having loved my name – not pretty, hard to pronounce (Did you say Bobby…). And while fifty years ago, neither was that common, Harvey has been relegated to the circular file of names while Nate has made its comeback.

When I started blogging, Nate was such an obvious choice: it is to a degree my name, I do like it and it still allowed me anonymity, cover from the shame of being gay. So as I continue my journey I will continue to be Harvey in my real world but it was Nate who joined this community two years ago and in these pages it is Nate that I will remain. Not out of shame, not out of hiding, but simply because I want to.