Don't Ask, Don't Tell

When I posted about my unexpected being out at work, I was struck by a comment form Bear Me Out alluding to “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” and as the days have become weeks, it has resonated even more. It is my understanding that my gayness is widely known and presumably accepted at work. However acceptance does not necessarily translate into acknowledgement: And there is a difference. There are a few where there is acknowledgement and that seems to be an invisible border that once crossed leads to a new land. With that limited group there is humor and there is honesty.

A moment pops to mind when talking about two partners of mine – we have in the past rather crudely referred to one as being the other’s “butt boy.” Well recently when discussing them with the office manager, the woman of initial acknowledgement, I said: “Say what you want about me – they’re the real butt boys.” I thought she was going to choke on her coffee she was laughing so hard, laughing as was I. With the group who knows, who openly know, there have been other moments, both of humor and of honesty.

But there are so many others where I assume they know – it is a small eco-system, not much remains pristine – but I do not really know for sure. And even if my assumption is correct, I am unsure where their sensibilities lie, how much humor or empathy is really there. So I tiptoe my way, always being honest but also never being completely blunt. And maybe this is as it should be: I really do not know nor overly care much about their personal lives. But while I may not know who got laid last night, I do know who is married, their “domestic partners” names, a bit of their trials and tribulations.

So I will continue to display a picture of my boyfriend and me in my office – not overly large, not facing the door: facing my desk for me to look at. When I go to Fire Island this summer if someone is dense enough to ask: Where? I will answer: The Pines. (To anyone in New York that is as good as having a rainbow tattooed on my forehead.) And I suspect over time it will become more acknowledged, one person at a time. And that is just fine with me for the bedrock now is that I do not care if they know and while I do not rub their noses in it, I also do not self censor or in any other way hide the reality of my new life.